Autobiography – You Are Not Alone

Kennedy Wheatley and Townsend Scholz, co-instructors in the First Year Seminar, assigned their class, “Women Warriors,” a short Autobiography about your own warrior moment. “Choose a moment in your life when you felt like a warrior.  It’s not important if you succeeded or failed – the decision you made to stand up for yourself or someone else is what matters.” One student chose a warrior moment, but then bravely contacted the professors to see if she could write about her battle with anxiety. Here is her essay, in the hopes that it might help others. 


“Beep Beep Beep!” It was six o’clock in the morning. I grabbed my phone and clicked snooze on my alarm. The more seconds that passed with me trying to squeeze a couple more minutes of sleep in, the more I felt tense and restless. Lying in bed was no use. I decided to get  up and get ready. After all, I did have an exciting day ahead of me.

When I was done getting ready, I headed towards the kitchen. It was now eight o clock. “Hey sweetie, are you excited?” I turned and saw my mom coming out of her room, looking at me with a big smile on her face. It was August 31, and despite being different from what I had imagined, it was my first day of college. Excited, I thought. Isn’t that what I am supposed to be feeling? But as I tried to pin down what I was feeling, I knew excitement wasn’t it. I looked at my mom with a forced smile. “Yeah, mom,” I replied. She hugged me. I knew she was happy that I was staying home this semester. I headed back towards my room, wondering what it was that I was feeling.

This new thing made me feel stressed, scared, and uneasy. As I sat down at my desk, my leg bounced up and down, and I couldn’t sit still. I had been nauseous the entire morning, and my stomach felt tense. It must be the nerves, I thought. But why am I nervous? It’s an online class. What’s the worst that can happen?

After what felt like an eternity, it was finally 9:30 a.m. I logged onto my Zoom. My teacher introduced himself to my class, and while calling attendance, asked us to share a little bit about ourselves. I instantly felt worse than before. I could feel my face boiling, my heart racing, and couldn’t catch my breath. My turn eventually came, but immediately after, everything felt like a blur. By the time I registered that my turn was over, my teacher had already moved on to the next thing on his agenda. As the class went on, all I could think about was what just happened. The worst part of all was that this experience did not only occur during my first class. It occurred every single time I had a class. I had never felt like this in my life. I felt like I was losing control of my emotions.

As the week went by, I found that I was not able to give my full attention to anything I did throughout the day. I couldn’t even escape this feeling in my sleep. I was frequently waking up, my mind racing with thoughts from the day before. At this point, I had started to fear that I would ever be in control of my emotions again.

That Friday, I went online and did some research on what I was feeling. When I had finished, I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that I may have anxiety, so I disregarded what I had just learned. I wondered if I would ever gather the courage to tell someone what I was   feeling and whether there would be a person who understood what I was going through. I also wondered if I would find someone who could help me learn to deal with this feeling. One thing I did know, however, was that there was no way I would tell my parents. I decided to omit these thoughts like I had been doing the entire week and moved on with my day.

That evening, I went over to my best friend’s house in an attempt to distract myself. We talked in her backyard for a while. Surrounded by nature, I suddenly felt a sense of relaxation, something I hadn’t felt the entire week. As our conversation progressed, I decided to listen to my body. I felt like I could trust her and began to explain to her what I was going through. To my surprise, she told me that she had been experiencing the same thing. I was shocked! At a time when I had been feeling so lonely, one of the people I could trust the most was going through the same thing as me.

My friend helped me find the source of my anxiety. We talked about our personal experiences and she told me that journaling and breathing slowly had helped her stay calm during her anxiety attacks. When I left her house later that night, I was proud that I had let myself be vulnerable. For the first time that entire week, I finally felt like I was in control of my emotions and felt like there was hope that I would be able to attend a class and be fully present.

I have never been the one to ask for help from someone else, so this entire experience allowed me to get out of my comfort zone. For the first time in my life, I was able to talk to someone about something challenging I was facing without feeling like I was burdening them with my issues. Through this, I learned that sometimes the only way we can overcome difficult moments is confiding in someone to help guide and support us. Anxiety is not something that people openly talk about, which is why, like many other people, I hesitated to reach out to others to discuss.

This experience taught me that you never know what someone may be going through, and by talking about your emotions, you may find that you and someone you trust may be going through the same thing. This semester, it’s safe to say that my first week of the online class went way smoother than last semester. I still experience anxiety now and then, but thanks to my friend, I have learned how to control it better than before. Now, whenever I experience anxiety, I like to listen to music, journal, and draw.

But most importantly, I have discovered that I can always count on others, especially my friend, to help me when I feel lost. In the end, although it may be hard to come to terms with, relying on someone and sharing your struggles makes going through difficult times easier than going through them alone.

If you or someone you know needs mental health support, the following resources are available:

 

 

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